Yao Ming recently taped a commercial for the Red Cross in conjunction with the NBA. Seated in front of a black background, Yao issues a solemn plea for…ESL classes? No offense to Yao, I love him. In fact, some of my best friends are 7 foot tall Asian people. Therefore, it gives me license to insult him.

Yao was drafted in 2002, yet his English has never made it to the big leagues. Is this why the Rockets can never get past the first round? No one can hear him yell for the ball. It’s not just his accent; his voice is so low. It must be big-man’s syndrome.

Shaq is the same. His voice is so low he makes Barry White sound like a 16 year old Japanese girl. Kawaii ne!! (Editor’s note: Actually, Barry White is dead.) Being so tall, it must take their voices twice as long to travel up from their lungs to their throat and out their mouth.